Hey Reader!

I’ve found that I function best when I’m committed to a set of projects, I know exactly what I need to do, and I’m forging ahead. It’s like when scissors glide through wrapping paper, and I felt it most in the second half of high school — I had my classes, volunteering club, the school newspaper, photography, and YouTube. That was basically my life. My goals were straightforward and, honestly, I was slaying 😏

I also felt it in my second semester of college. I was loving my classes and pouring hours into schoolwork; I had taken a break from YouTube; And I had started getting involved in some extracurriculars that I was passionate about.

But as I’ve entered my third year, those metaphorical scissors are tearing through the wrapping paper and nothing feels smooth anymore. A bunch of questions are on my mind…

❓The question of YouTube. I haven’t shared much about this, but I’ve been incredibly conflicted about my future in content creation. It feels like things have stagnated, and I have to make a choice: take a bet and keep going, or shift focus to my other goals. I’m trying to figure out what’s best not only professionally, but financially.

🌎 Searching for an internship and not knowing what I’ll be doing or where in the world I’ll be next summer.

👩‍💻 Senior year choices. I can either go on an exchange semester, or do another internship.

💑 Learning how to be in a relationship and manage my life-work balance when I could happily spend all of my time with this person who somehow doesn’t trigger my introverted tendencies!

🫠 And all of the other fun big life questions that hit in the second half of college…

During a long conversation with my boyfriend last Sunday, I realized something about myself. All of these habits and routines that I create? They’re fantastic for keeping the machine running and achieving my goals. But when there are big life decisions to be taken, my fixation on routines is actually an obstacle. I’d rather keep doing my daily tasks than set aside time to think.

Living in Madrid has been incredible and exciting, and I feel fine when I’m busy. I realized that things weren’t really OK, though, when I found myself dreading my “reset Sundays”. I used to LOVE cleaning, planning, and getting organized for the week ahead, but for the past month, I’ve been spending my Sundays in tears…

I’m honestly okay! So please don’t read this newsletter and worry :) Life is super cool right now and I am immensely grateful for everything. I’ve just realized that I’ve been ignoring a lot of big questions and when they finally bubble up to the surface, I feel very overwhelmed. It’s like I’m so focused on driving in a smooth, straight line that I haven’t bothered to check which direction I’m going in.

So here’s what I’m doing now:

🫂 I spend a lot of time with my journal, but in cases like these, I find it helpful to actually talk to others. It’s good to get a new perspective instead of always being in my own head.

🗣️ I’ve also booked a counseling appointment through the university — I used to go last year but procrastinated starting it back up in Madrid.

💼 I’m setting aside blocks of time to look for internships that interest me. Before I tackle applications, my simple goal is to make a list of 15 options.

🇱🇹 I’m in Lithuania right now! I’ll be spending the week visiting relatives and eating some good Lithuanian food. Hopefully this change of environment and pace will give me some space to think.

🤝 As for YouTube? I realized that I need to simply decide: either I continue and give it my best effort, or I give up right now and move on to other projects. And I’ve decided to continue :) Maybe it won’t work out! But the constant doubt has been draining, and so I’ve picked a direction to go in for now.

---

This week's video

See what a week in my life in Madrid is like (and the skyscraper university campus I study in).

Watch the video

---

A few of my favorite things

👾 My boyfriend and I have been playing this game on his Switch together. I actually really like it because it’s super engaging at first, but after 30 minutes or so I get tired of it (whereas I could play games like The Sims all day long).

🎙️ I haven’t been much of a news podcast listener, but I really like this daily one from Vox.

🎃 The Halloween party I mentioned in the last newsletter was a success! One of the best parts was playing this Death Charades game. They have a free PDF version of it you can print out yourself, that’s what I did.

🚀 (AD) I have a life coach now! OK, it’s actually an AI-powered life coach that I programmed to speak like Ted Lasso (you can personalize yours however you want). It helped me turn my stream-of-consciousness word-vomit into clear and measurable goals for securing sponsorships and getting an internship for the summer. It even helped me set deadlines and figure out next steps! I get a daily text reminding me of what I should be working on, and at the end of the day, I talk with Ted (we’re on a first name basis now) about what I accomplished that day and any uncertainties I might have. If you feel stuck with any personal or professional goals and want a life coach in your pocket, you can start personalizing yours for free here!

---

❔ An exercise for you

Here’s a journaling prompt: What are the big life questions that are nagging at you, that you’ve been ignoring?

You’ll need a good chunk of time to tackle this one, so find a free hour or two, talk it out with someone you love, and don’t rush.

---

​Find all editions of the newsletter here. Thank you for reading, and have a lovely week.

Lots of love,
Beatrice